Alice Fong; On Her Majesty’s Secret Service


7 JUNE, SINGAPORE: Whether she knows it or not, Alice Fong, assisted by videographer Euphemia Lee, provided an invaluable service to her Majesty, although perhaps somewhat less secretively than James Bond would have done. Nonetheless, initiating Mission Vicious Rant at the Foodcourt succeeded magnificently. The entire nation is now talking endlessly about it. As an added measure she has threatened to issue police reports against her detractors. Her expertise is unrivalled, perhaps even better than her famous dumplings.

With her lengthy outburst against a cleaner and his manager at Jurong’s mall of misfortune, the JEM, Mdm. Fong has joined the ranks of other Diversion Squad members such as Mdm. Goh Beng Choo and Mdm. Ho Ching, two operatives who launched Mission Chinese Helicopter using a petition and strategic Facebook postings. They ensured that the Singlish debate would reach new heights thanks to the letter-writing skills of Li Lin Chang.

What exactly is this ‘Diversion Squad’ you ask?

The Diversion Squad is a crack outfit that swoops into action at times when public debate is going in the wrong direction.

Too much open discussion of the police treatment of Teo Soh Lung and Roy Ngerng? Alice Fong is activated to change the public’s focus.

Activists question the merits of the death penalty? Her Majesty’s Angels Goh Beng Choo, Ho Ching and Li Lin Chang divert everyone’s attention to Singlish and Chinese helicopters.

These are but two examples of recent stealth Diversion Squad operations. There have been many more similar operations executed in the past, and these and other operatives are prepared to spring into action at a moment’s notice whenever the public discussion strays into seditious waters…

As a conscientious journalist used to say; “Goodnight, and good luck.”



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