U-Turns banned in Singapore


2 OCTOBER SINGAPORE: With immediate effect, motorists are no longer allowed to make u-turns when driving in Singapore.

The investigation into the SMRT bendy-bus-stuck-in-the-mud-because-of-a-u-turn is finish already.

Whilst the public awaits publication of the report, Singapore’s Second Deputy Senior Minister for Transport and Home Entertainment Ms. Wai So Dim, told gathered reporters that the government has decided to take appropriately drastic measures in the face of this moderate threat, based on what is best for the people.

“The investigation revealed many contributing factors, like a muddy field and one blur bus driver”, said Ms. Wai, “However, at this time we can safely conclude that the main cause of this incident was the u-turn. No doubt.”

Reporters who asked if a complete ban of u-turns was too extreme were reminded of the dire consequences created by u-turns.

“Drivers all going one way decide to go back. Where does that take Singapore? It takes us backwards. We, as a nation cannot go backwards, forward only”, explained Ms. Dim. “We all make u-turn like that, we all be stuck in the mud like a bendy-bus and then riots everywhere.”

Minister Soe also used the examples of similar action and the impressive results.

“You remember now. We had riot, so we ban beer. No more riots. We have Government agencies fighting hackers, so we ban Internet, and now no cyber attacks. Lorry boom crashes into walkway shelter, so we ban lorry booms. There was HEP-C outbreak in the hospitals, so we close all the hospitals, now no more HEP-C. People complain about dengue, so we import Zika. We get problems with HDB lifts, so we ban the lifts, no more problems. We build MRT and ban chewing gum, now no MRT delays. SMRT is the best employer also. We also looking at a ban on fainting.”

Minister Hi Wai also told the gathered press that the alternatives were not attractive.

“We do nothing what happens? Tomorrow you will see all cars stuck in the mud on fields of rioting HEP-C positive people with Zika hacking the computers looking for a lift when the trains are late. Do you want that for Singapore? I thought so.” She then took ill.

Once she was revived, she said the Government will not u-turn on this policy. “Not allowed anymore.”


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