The jury is not out, there can be no doubt.
I am a paedophile.
Like many such deviants I was not even aware of my misdeeds.
Thankfully a concerned citizen came forward to enlighten me, bless them, and in so doing has protected countless children from my detestable advances.
Any minute now I expect to be arrested and put away.
You may wonder how this all came to pass.
It was “Pizzagate“.
A few days ago I had the audacity to brush aside the investigative skills of Alex Jones and Breitbart’s equivalent of Woodward and Bernstein, whoever they may be (there are not many Pulitzer prizes on display on Bannon’s shelf I reckon).
That was the beginning of the end. Within seconds of questioning the veracity of the Pizzagate claims, the following words appeared on my touchscreen;
“You are a pedophile (sic)”
Yes, grammar Nazis, misspelt and sans punctuation.
I was shocked, and grateful.
Shocked because I was utterly ignorant of my sickness.
Grateful, because newly aware of my disorder, I can now pursue remedial treatment.
I thanked my diagnosis provider, a true samaritan and expert of human psychosis, able to identify such conditions solely by monitoring random social media behaviour, without the need to even meet the patient.
Rather than dispute the findings, I embraced them.
Embracing the same approach to truth that my self-appointed specialist prefers, namely; argumentum ad ignorantiam, I found comfort in the resulting certainty.
All doubts washed away and vanished like the receding foamy water on the sandy beach, just moments after the drama of the crashing wave.
Yes, I am a paedophile.
That is, I am a 100% confirmed and undeniable paedophile until someone presents evidence to prove that I am not.
Guilty until proven innocent.
A sinner of deplorable character.
Worthy of universal disdain.
Since my birth many years ago, no one to my knowledge has presented a shred of vindicating evidence, therefore the accusation must be valid.
And let’s not forget Pizzagate.
Although the Pizzagate controversy remains a high-interest conspiracy (according to Snopes and others), many people are saying that no one has been able to locate any substantive aspect of the claims that could be fact-checked or otherwise held up to the light to determine their accuracy.
Snopes and others have also said that while rumours about pedophilia and child trafficking remain standard in urban folklore, roughly 90 percent of assaults on children in the U.S. are committed by a friend or family member, a number reiterated by the United States Department of Justice.
“Most abuse of this nature is committed by family members, family friends, or other trusted adults, without the use of coded toys or pizzeria sex rings,” Snopes concludes.
If my confession has shocked you, and you need a distraction, this might help;
I found a website that is duplicating all your emails, texts and social media activity.
This is all now available to everyone who has the password. I enjoy everything posted there every day.
Thank you for the entertainment, it keeps me amused in-between my child molestations.
The nostalgic group photo was manipulated by me using GIMP. The original image was found in the Flickr Commons – Public Domain, “free of known restrictions under copyright law, including all related and neighbouring rights.”