The @real Trump State of the Uniom

trump eyes

The official transcript of Donald J. Trump’s 30 January 2018 State of the Uniom follows:

“My fellow Americans, everybody is talking about Trump and the Trump obstructing justice and the Trump impeachment.

No one obstructs justice better than Trump. Believe me.

It’s true.

As President-elect and in my first year as the greatest President, I have prevented, obstructed and impeded the administration of justice bigly.

I have intentionally tried to subvert a federal investigation many times, many times.

In June 2017, last year, I tried to fire Robert Mueller, the special counsel investigating the Trump campaign collusion with Russia.

Yes, Russia. Not China. Not Mexico, not Little Rocket Man land, Russia.

You think I caved about firing Mueller, like the Democrat party caved on DACA?


McCabe is out, Comey is out, Melania is out. McGahn is now on a short leash. Oh yes.

Let me tell you how the best obstruction of justice is done, the Trump way. Nixon and Clinton tried, but Trump obstruction is something like no one has ever seen.

During a dinner at the White House on Jan. 27, 2017, I asked for a pledge of “loyalty” from James Comey, then the F.B.I. director, who was overseeing the investigation of my beautiful winning campaign.

On Feb. 14, I directed several other officials to leave the Oval Office so I could speak privately with Comey alone, mano ah mano, dos hombres. I then told Comey to “let this go,” referring to the investigation of Michael Flynn, who had resigned the previous day as my national security adviser. Sad.

On March 22, after watching Fox and Friends I directed several other officials to leave a White House briefing so I could speak privately with Daniel Coats, the director of national intelligence, and Mike Pompeo, my beautiful C.I.A. director and I asked them to persuade Comey to back off investigating Flynn.

In March and April, I told Comey on the phone that I wanted him to lift the nasty ”cloud” of the investigation.

He said ‘no’, I don’t like ‘no’, so on May 9th, 2017, I fired Comey as F.B.I. director. I said “You’re fired!” That’s right.

On May 10, I told my great Russian friends that the firing had “taken off” the “great pressure” of the Russia investigation. On May 11, I told that crazy guy Lester on fake NBC News that the firing was because of “this Russia, this Trump Russia Trump thing.”

On May 17, shortly after hearing that the Justice Department had appointed Mueller to take over the Russia investigation, I invented the word ‘witch hunt’ and berated Jeff Sessions, the attorney general. The Mueller appointment had caused my great Trump administration again to lose control over the investigation, and I accused Sessions of “disloyalty.” Bigly.

In June, I explored several options to retake control. At one point, I ordered the firing of Mueller, before the weak White House counsel resisted.

On July 8, aboard Air Force One, on my way home from Germany, where everybody loves me and told me I am the greatest leader, I helped draft a false public statement for my son, Donald Trump Jr. The statement made it clear that a 2016 meeting with a Russian lawyer and some people that I hardly even know was about adoption policy. Don Jr. has a low IQ, lower than mine. He publicly acknowledged that the meeting was to discuss damaging information the Russian government had about Crooked Hillary Clinton. Sad.

On July 26, in a tweet, I write the best Tweets, and none of my followers are fake or Russian Bots, mostly Scott Baio. In my Tweet I called for the firing of Andrew McCabe, the F.B.I.’s deputy director, a potential corroborating witness for Comey’s conversations with me, mano a mano. The tweet was part of my efforts, discussed with White House aides, to discredit F.B.I. officials.

And now McCabe is gone, just like my loyal Wray promised.

So, America, you know, everybody knows, I do the best false and misleading public statements for the purpose of deceiving the people of the great United States.

And I repeatedly make untruthful statements about American intelligence agencies’ conclusions regarding Russia’s role in the 2016 election.

Not many people know this, but obstruction of justice depends on a person’s “intent”, what legal experts often call “corrupt intent.”

Intent. You wanna see intent? JUST WATCH ME!

I have inserted myself into the details of a criminal investigation in ways that previous presidents rarely if ever did. I have.

I cleared the room before trying to influence the investigation. I did.

I directed Don Jr. to lie, and I lie every single day, many times, many times. Bigly.

It’s true.

Stephen Miller, or Bannon. Bannon told me that when the founders were debating impeachment at the Constitutional Convention, George Mason, who is getting a lot of attention lately, good man, he asked: “Shall any man be above justice?”

I am that man.


God Bless America.”

Note; David Leonhardt of the New York Times assisted with this State of the Uniom speech. Follow David on Twitter @DLeonhardt

Follow me on Twitter @Quixotified


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